MOTHER AS REVEALED TO ME
English
edition of
Bhaiji’s
Matri Darshan in
Bengali
TRANSLATED
By
Sri Ganga Charan Dasgupta
Shree Shree Anandamayee
Sangha
Kankhal, Haridwar
CONTENTS
Foreword 
Mantric Power
Thought Power
Yogic Power
State of samadhi
Mother and Her playful role
Ashram
On the way to new life
To distant lands
Sri Sri Ma
Preface to the first edition
On the eve of his departure for Kailash with Mother in 1937 when Bhaiji left his Bengali manuscript with me for publication, it was his express desire that the book should be published Hindi simultaneously. His unexpected death on his way back upset all, our plans. The Bengali edition was first published in 1937 shortly after his death. The Hindi edition was also published in 1957[ 1947 ?]. Though the English rendering ready it could not be published so long.
I trust , it will be gratifying to Mother’s devotees
to learn that through the ardour and generosity of Sri Kamlesh Parasram
Punwani---a devotee of Mother from Sing ,
West Pakistan , the English edition of Matri Darshan is published now.
This edition will, it is hoped, carry Mother’s message beyond the shores of
India.
My grateful thanks are also due to Sri Girija Shankar Bhattacharya, Professor [retired] of the Presidency College, Calcutta, who in spite of his frail health, spared no pains to help me in getting the book published in no time.
44 Hazra Road,
CALCUTTA-19 GANGA CHARAN DASGUPTA
4th May, 1952
FOREWORD
To write a biography of Sri Sri Anandmayee Ma or to draw the attention of the world to Her infinite powers is not the object of this feeble attempt on my part. I have, in this little sketch, introduced only a few facts of my own direct experience to show how She opened up a fountain of life in my almost parched-up soul. All the blemishes that appear in this work , are traceable to my own personal limitations for which I sincerely implore her pardon.
I
lost my mother when I was but a small boy. I have heard my relations say that
my eyes used to swim in tears whenever I heard infants babbling our “Ma, Ma”
with their soft, shrill voices; and that I would soothe my heart by lying on
the floor and weeping silently.
My
father was a saintly person. The deep religious spirit of his life implanted in
me , during my very childhood years, seeds of divine aspiration. In 1908 I had
my initiation in Shakti Mantra
[mantra---speech symbol representing a deity] from our family Guru [Guru---- family preceptor who initiates one
into the spiritual life]. On that account I had to worship the Mother Divine;
and when I could pour out all my devotional fervour with “Ma, Ma” , during my
prayer time, I found great relief and happiness. Even then I could hardly
realise that mother is the fountainhead of supreme joy and happiness for all
living beings. There was an over-powering
desire in me to find such a Living Mother who, by her loving glances, could
transform my storm-tossed soul. I approached many saintly persons and was desperate
enough even to consult astrologers for an answer to this query, — Shall I have
the good fortune to meet such a mother?“ All held out
high hopes.
With
that object in view, I visited many holy places and had the opportunity of
meeting numerous spiritual personalities; but none could satisfy my desire.
I
worked in a Government office at Calcutta. It was transferred to Dacca in 1918
and I was posted there. By the end of 1924 I came to learn that Ma Anandamayee
had been living for some months in Shah-bag near the city, observing silence
for a long time, always seated in some Yogic posture and would, on some rare
occasions, draw a line on the floor round Her seat and have very short talks
with people after reciting some mantras or sacred texts.
One
morning I went there in a prayerful spirit, and was fortunate enough to see
Mother, through the kind courtesy of Her husband, whom~ people addressed as Pitaji
or Father. it sent a thrill into my heart to see her serene Yogic posture
along with all the modesty and grace to be met with only in a newly married
lady. It at once flashed upon my mind that the person for whom my heart had
yearned for so many years, and in whose search I had traveled to so many sacred
places, stood revealed before me.
My
whole being was flooded with joy and every fibre of my body danced with
ecstasy. There was an impulse to throw myself prostrate at Her feet and to cry
out in tears—’Mother, why have you kept me away from you all these long, long
years ?“
After
some minutes, I asked Mother, ‘Have I any chance of spiritual uplift?” She
replied, ‘Your hunger for such a life is not yet strong enough.” I had come
with a load of thoughts struggling for expression, but all were hushed into
silence under the spell of Her soothing grace. I sat there speechless and dumb.
Mother, too, spoke not a word. After a little while, I bowed to Her and left
the place. I could not touch Her feet though I had a strong desire to do so. It
was not through fear or delicacy; some mysterious power pushed me away from Her
presence.
I
did not go to Shah-bag for long afterwards. I reflected thus:—”As long as She
would not draw me close to Her like my own Mother, removing Her veil, how could
I clasp Her feet to my bosom?” There was a
great conflict in me; a strong desire to see Her and a sharp pain at Her
aloofness;— both were equally strong and in opposition to each other. No mode
of approach seemed possible. In the meantime I used to go to the adjoining Sikh
temple; and standing by the garden wall, I saw Mother from a distance so that
nobody could notice it. During these days of indecision, I would analyse the movements
of my mind and would often question myself, “What are things coming to ?”
But
I had no power of taking a decision. I would often get all news about Mother
and listen with attention to every story about Her Lila (play of divine
forces) In this manner I passed seven months in the midst of the din and
bustle of every day life with a prospect of meeting Her every hour. One day I
brought Mother to my house. An intense joy thrilled my whole being to meet Her
after such a long time. But it was not permanent. When She was about to leave
my house I bowed down to touch Her feet, but She withdrew them. I felt as if
pierced by a smarting pain.
Then
I tried to ease the pangs of the struggle in my heart by reading various books
on religion. I resolved to publish a small book on religion and religious
practices. The book was written and published under the title, “Sadhana” and
I forwarded a copy of it to Mother through Sri Bhupendra Narayan Das Gupta.
Mother curtly said to him,—”Ask the author to come and see me.”
On
receiving this call from Mother I went to Shah-bag one morning. I came to learn
that Her vow of silence of the last three years was over. She came and sat
close to me. I read out the whole book to Her and after hearing the contents,
She said,—”Though after three years of silence, my vocal chords are not
functioning properly, yet words are forcing themselves out of my mouth to-day.
Your book is quite good. Try to develop even more purity of thought and
action.”
During
that interview with Her, Pitaji was present. I began to feel that a new world
was opening out before me and that I was sitting like a little child before my
own parents
Since
then I used to go to Shah-bag. I requested my wife to go and see Mother with
some offerings. At that time Mother used to put on a golden nose ring. My wife
took with her one large silver plate, some curd, flowers, sandal paste and one
diamond nose-ring as presents for Mother, and with great delight and respect
she offered them at Her feet.
It
transpired afterwards that Mother would have Her food placed upon the bare
ground at that time and use no plate whatsoever. So Pitaji had said to
Her once with great disgust: —”You don’t take your food from brass plates or
bell-metal ones. Will you have it then on a silver plate?“ Mother laughed and said, “Yes, but do not tell anybody about this
during the next three months and please do not make any attempt yourself to
procure silver plates”. Now before the three months expired the silver plate
was given to Her as mentioned above.
One
day Mother said to me,—”Remember, you really are a Brahmin; and there is a very
subtle, close spiritual link between this body and yourself.” From that very
day I tried to keep my body pure in all respects.
I
learnt from various sources that many of Mother’s devotees had been fortunate
enough to find the images of many gods and goddesses revealed in Her body. But
as I saw with my own eyes manifestations of great supernatural powers in Her
every day life, I did not care to look for some special revelation. My humble
aspiration was that if I could model my life after the ideals of patience and
composure always manifested in Her, it would be more than enough for me.
Still
man’s natural impulse to see some material embodiment of divine powers in human
life, prompted me one day to enquire from Her, when I found Her alone : I
asked,—”Mother, pray, tell me, what are you in reality? She laughed out loudly and said with all affection:— “How could such
childish queries arise in your heart ? The vision of gods and goddesses appears in
accordance with one’s inherited dispositions (samskaras). I am what I
was and what I shall be; I am whatever you conceive, think or say. But it is a
supreme fact that this body has not come into being to reap the fruits of past karma.. (Prarabdha
or the results of actions of past births about to mature in this life. )Why don’t you
take it that this body is the material embodiment of all your thoughts and
ideas. You all have wanted it and you have it now. So play with this doll for
some time.
Further questions will be fruitless.”
I said,—”These words of yours, Mother, do not satisfy my yearning.” Hearing
this, She spoke with slight vehemence, —“Say, say, what more you desire” and
immediately a dazzling flood of heavenly light shone forth from Her face. I was
struck dumb with awe and wonder. All my doubts were laid at rest.
About
fifteen days later, I went to Shah-bag one morning and found the door of
Mother’s bed-room closed. I sat down in front of it some 25 to 30 feet
away. The door opened all at once. I found to my bewilderment, the figure of a
divinely beautiful goddess as genially bright as the sun at dawn, illumining
the whole interior of the room. In the twinkling of an eye She withdrew all the
radiance within Her body and Mother was there, standing and smiling in Her
usual manner.
In
a second the whole vision had passed off like the play of some supernal magic.
To me it appeared that I had dropped down from dreamland. I remembered at once
that Mother had revealed Herself in response to what I had said a few days
back. I began to recite a hymn and prayed to Her,—”May I be a worthy son of
yours, worthy to be blessed with all your motherly bounty and grace.’’
After a little while Mother advanced towards me. She picked a flower
and a few blades of durba grass [Durbadala -a common grass, the blades of which are used during
worship] and placed them on my head, as I fell at Her feet.[Those
sacred emblems were left with the wife of the translator when Sri J.C. Ray left
for Kailash]
I
was beside myself with joy and rolled on the ground at Her feet. The day that
is gone never comes back. How I wish for a happy return of that blessed day.
From
that moment a deep conviction began to take root in my mind that She was not
only my mother but the Mother of this universe. I returned home. As soon
as I collected myself, the same luminous image of Mother flashed upon my mind
and tears streamed down my cheeks. From that very day onwards Her grace worked
such a change in me and in so natural a manner that Her figure occupied the
place of the goddess whom I had worshipped all these eighteen years, since my
initiation in early youth. This change at times created some doubt in my mind
as to whether I was pursuing the right course or not. But in a few days Mother
took Her rightful place in my soul, possessing it fully.
(Mother (Her original name was Nirmala Sundari Devi)
was born in the village of Kheora, District Tripura, in 1818 Saka Era (1896,
April 30) in the early hours of Friday, 1 hour 12 mins. before dawn. The place
of Her birth has recently been acquired; when She went to Kheora on the 17th
May 1937, She, being pressed by Her devotees, indicated the exact spot where
Her body first touched the earth, Her father Bipin Bihari Bhattacharya was a
descendant of the well-known Kashyapa Brabmin family of village Vidyakut, in
the same district. His early life he passed in the house of his maternal uncle.
Both Mother’s father and mother, Sm. Mokshada Sundari Devi, had very kind and
loving nature. Their devotion to God, their simplicity and standard of social
life were almost ideal The maternal house of Mother at Sultanpur, Tripura, had
a very high social status for a long time. There were many learned Pandits and
devotees in the family. The report goes that a pious lady of the same family
mounted the funeral pyre of her husband chanting hymns merrily. Mother was
married to Sri Ramani Mohan Chakravarty of village Atpara of Vikrampur
when She was just 12 years 10 months old. He belonged to the well-known
Bharadwaj Brahmin family of that village. His life was dedicated to the welfare
of people. He was afterwards known as Baba Bholanath, Rama Pagla or Pitaji.)
Mother’s
early life, was spent unnoticed in the villages Kheora and Sultanpur. After Her
marriage She passed some time in Sreepur and Narundi, where the elder brother
of Bholanath, Her husband, worked; some months were also spent in Her husband’s
house at Atpara. Before She came to Dhaka, She had stayed for about three years
at Vidyakut and for about six years at Bajitpur with Her husband.
At Astagram was first
manifested prominently Mother’s liking for Kirtan songs (a
musical mode of devotional songs introduced by Vishnava poets, saint and
composers); at Bajitpur that mood was noticeable only at times; but the
dominant tone of Her mind during this period was the natural expression of mantric
symbolism and Yogic
practices. [ (Various
phases of psychic evolution of life with the corresponding transformation of
the physical vehicle].
When She came to Shah-bag
at Dhaka the state of Her quiescence and silence continued; but then a phase of
intense peace and tranquility became the all-pervading feature of Her life. It
is difficult to convey in words an idea of the depth of that state. During this
period what an interplay of divine thoughts and expression became manifest in
all the ways of Her life
At
this time many of Her devotees began to flock round Her. Many of them took part
in worship, devotional songs and sacrificial rites. It is difficult to describe
the ways by which their souls became steeped in tranquil bliss in Her presence.
All people would, at this
time, address Her as ‘Mother of the Shah-bag’ and would express their delight
by saying that such a wealth of Mother’s grace they had never enjoyed before in
all their life.
While
at Bajitpur the whole history of the Siddhesvari Kali temple at Dhaka had
dawned upon Her mind.
During
Her residence at Shah-bag Rai Bahadur Pran Gopal Mukherji, who has since
retired as Post Master General, was at Dhaka. He and Sri Baul Chandra Basak
found means for the preservation of the Siddhesvari Temple.
When
I met Mother first, She gave me a hint, saying,— “Your appetite for the
spiritual is not strong enough.” But to one tossed about by the turmoil of
worldly desires, such craving for higher life was not possible, unless one
could learn how to direct all the uncontrolled waves of one’s emotions and
impulses towards Her feet. I would always pray silently in the secrecy of my
heart, —”Oh Mother, you manifest yourself as Hunger in every being; * awaken in
me a real hunger for things immutable and everlasting.” How Mother, in Her
infinite mercy directed my ever fluctuating disposition towards Her
all-pervasive presence, is narrated below:—
1.
One night I was walking about on the open balcony of my house; there was a
glitter of moonlight on all objects about me. I perceived some movements by my
side and turned round. I found to my amazement, an image of Mother gliding
along with me. She wore a red chemise and a sari with a series of thin
red lines for border. But when I left the Ashram only a couple of hours back, I
had noticed on Her person a white chemise and a sari with only one broad red
border. This made me doubt the correctness of the vision. But when I went to
Her early morning on the following day, I found Her dressed exactly like what I
had seen in the preceding night. I was told that a devotee came to the Ashram
after I had left, and made Her wear those clothes.
When
Mother was told about my vision, She said in a most natural way, “I went to see
what you were doing.”
2.
One day Mother came to my house and conversed with us on the first floor; just
then a car arrived to take Her to another place. I did not know that it had
been arranged previously. Mother got ready to start; but I felt great anguish
to find Her leaving my house after such a short visit. With a sorrowful heart I
came down-stairs to see Her off. She got into the car, but it did not move
though the driver gave the start. She was looking at me with Her face beaming
with a genial laugh. When the driver failed to move the car, a hackney carriage
was brought for Her. It was painful to think that Mother would have to go in a
hired carriage when the4 car stood ready. Just at that time the car began to
move to my surprise and joy, and Mother left.
3.
The pressure of crowds at Shah-bag increased from day to day, as people came to
know about Mother. On one occasion I could not meet Her in the course of four
days. On the morning of the fifth day I had resolved to go to Her but changed
my mind. I sat down in despair in my room. I saw to my surprise the full image
of Mother appearing on the wall opposite, like a film picture. She looked quite
sad. On turning round I found Sri. Amulyaratan Choudhury standing by my chair.
He said,—”Mataji has sent a carriage to take you to Her.” When I reached the
Shah-bag garden Mother said,—” I have been noticing your restlessness for the
last few days. Peace and tranquility cannot come unless there is some
restlessness in one’s mind to start with. You should kindle fire by any means,
either with clarified butter or sandalwood or even with straw. Once alight, the
fire burns on; all worries, darkness and gloom gradually disappear. It will
burn to ashes all obstacles. You know a spark is sufficient to start a conflagration
reducing hundreds of homes and palaces to cinders.”
4.
At noon in the office, or at mid-night in my bed-room, when a very strong
desire to see Mother made me quite restless, I found Her appear before me on
many occasions and She at once would say,—”You called me and I have come”.
5. One
afternoon when I returned from office, I was told, an unknown person had left a
large fish in my house saying that he would come back shortly. But nobody
turned up. The fish lay upon the floor. When nobody appeared till dusk was cut
into pieces and sent to Mother at Shah-bag. Next morning when I went there, Pitaji
told me—”Your
Mother said to me last night, ‘Look here, Jyotish is my God”’.
On enquiry I came to learn that on the previous morning a few persons got Mother’s
prasad [,Prasad is the food that is left after the Mother has
taken some. It is distributed among the devotees.] but when in the evening
many people came to take part in Kirtan or devotional concert, they all
desired to have Mother’s prasad. There was no stock of provisions. Just
at the time when Mother was preparing spices, condiments for cooking, my
servant Khagen came with the fish and other necessary articles. And this
evoked from Her the expressions stated by Pitaji. “I was struck with surprise”,
added Bholanath, “to hear how an unknown person had brought a fish to your
house and how it could be sent with other necessaries to satisfy the devotees
clamouring for Mother’s prasad.”
Such
incidents were numerous. At Shah-bag, a man was praying for some prasad from
Mother there was nothing available there at the time. Just then a desire
impelled me to send some fruits or sweets. When my man reached there with the
things he found that Mother appeared to be waiting for them.
6.
One night at about 3 A.M., I was wide awake sitting on my bed and it flashed
upon my mind that Mother was sleeping with Her head in a direction opposite to
what She was accustomed to. At dawn when I went to Her I found Her exactly in
the same position. On enquiry I learnt that
Mother went out at 3 A.M.
and on returning She changed Her sleeping posture.
It
often happened that from my own room or from my desk at the office I could see
distinctly what Mother was doing at Her place. I could see these things without
any effort of my will; at times such pictures flashed across my mind without my
ever thinking about them. Bhupen used to go to Shah-bag every day and I could
verify the truth of my visions through him. There was hardly any discrepancy.
Mother would often say to me,—-”Your real home is at Shah-bag; you go to your
own house just for an outing.”
7.
One noon I was busy at my desk. Bhupen came and said, “Mother has asked you to
go to Shah-bag. I had informed Her that the Director of Agriculture would take
over charge of office that day on the expiry of his leave; but Mother
replied,—’You are to carry the message to Jyotish, let him do what he thinks
proper’.”
Without
a moment’s hesitation I left all the papers spread out on my desk and without
informing any body at the office I started for Shah-bag. When I arrived there,
Mother said,— “Let us go to Siddhesvari Ashram.” I accompanied Mother and Pitaji.
There was a small hollow, just where now stands a small pedestal and a Shiva
Lingam. Mother sat inside the hollow and Her face was beaming with a smile,
breathing radiant joy. I exclaimed to Pitaji: “From to-day we shall call
Mother by the name of Anandamayee”; he at once said, “Yes, be it so!”
She only glanced at me with a fixed gaze.
When
we were about to return at 5-30 P.M., She enquired, —” You were all along so
full of Joy, how is it that you now look so pale?” I replied, that the thought
of going home had made me think of the unfinished work at the office. She said,
—”You need not worry about it.” Next day when I went to office, the Director
said nothing about my absence on the previous day.
I
asked Mother why She had called me so unexpectedly the day before. She said,
“It was to test how much you have gone ahead during these few months.” She
added with a genial laugh, —”If you had not come, who else would have given a
name to this body?”
8.
Once His Excellency the Governor of Bengal came to Dhaka. The Director asked me
to attend office at 9-30 A.M., as he would go to pay a visit to the Governor. I
promised to come. Next morning I was late in returning from Shah-bag and when I
reached office it was 9-50 A.M. I was a bit nervous as to how I would meet my
boss. When I was thinking about the matter he phoned to me from his bungalow to
say that his car had gone wrong, that he was sorry to put me to trouble and
that he would go to Government House at 11 A.M.
When
Mother heard the story, She said with a laugh,— “Is it anything new to you ?
The other day you threw out of gear the car in which I was to leave.”
9.
On one occasion Mother came to our house. In the course of our talk I said
casually,—”It appears, Ma, that to you hot and cold are the same .If a piece of
burning coal fell on your feet, would you not feel the pain?” She replied,
“Just test it.” I did not press the point further.
After
a few days, taking up the thread of our previous conversation, Mother placed a
piece of burning coal on Her foot. There was deep burning sore. For one month
it did not heal up. I felt very upset about that silly suggestion of mine. One
day I found Her in the verandah with her legs stretched out and Her gaze fixed
on the sky. Some pus had gathered on the sore. I bowed down and licked the pus
up with my tongue and lips. From the following day the sore began to heal up.
I
asked Mother how She felt when the live coal was burning Her flesh. She said in
reply, “ I was not aware of any pain. It looked like nothing but fun; with
great joy I watched what the poor wretched coal was doing on my foot; I noticed
that at first some hairs, then the skin began to burn; it smelt of burn and
gradually the coal was put out after doing its work. ‘When later a sore formed,
it continued its course; but as soon as a strong desire arose in you that the
wound be healed up soon, it took a rapid turn for the better.”
10.
It was the month of Magh,
mid-winter, with biting cold. At early dawn I was walking barefoot with Mother
on the grassy fields of Ramna, wet with dew. From a distance I noticed a group
of ladies coming towards us. I thought , as soon as they arrived, they would take
Mother to the ashram. As these thoughts were passing through my mind, the whole
field was covered over with a very thick fog and the ladies could not be seen.
After some three hours when we returned to the ashram, we heard that the party
of ladies got tired trying to find us and when Mother was informed about my
thoughts, she said,” Your strong desire was fulfilled.”
11. Once Mother was
suffering much from cold and cough. Finding
her very unwell, I prayed to her with a tremulous voice of entreaty, “
Mother, may you be soon restored to health.!”
She gazed at me and said with a laugh---“From tomorrow I shall be all
right, my child.” And so it came to be.
12.
One morning I found that Mother had fever. I came back to my house and prayed
at night fervently that Her fever might pass into my body. Towards morning I
had fever and headache. When I went to Mother in the morning, as usual, she
said at once, “I am all right, but you have fever. Go back to your house, have
bath and take your usual food.” I did so and was all right by the afternoon.
Mother
always says---“By force of pure , concentrated thought everything becomes
possible.”
13.
A book named Sadhu Jivani [ Lives of Saints] got into my hands. There
appeared this line ,---He [a sadhu] used to advise his devotees always
to give good food to the poor.” I wrote the following note on the margin:
Giving food only dose not satisfy a human soul.” This book was taken to Mother
at Shah-bag and one of Her devotees read out my remark. Mother said nothing.
After a few days I went to Shah-bag quite early in the morning. Just then a man
tike one in a fit of insanity, came and said, “Give me some food or I die with
hunger.” Mother searched the kitchen store and gave to the man what She could
collect at the time. He wanted water to drink and Mother directed me to give
him some; when I came to know that the man was a Muslim, had fasted for three
days and had come into the ashram scaling over the enclosure, Mother said to me
that he had come there to teach me the efficacy of giving food and drink to one
who needs it. Everything has its proper place and time. Nothing is lost in the
divine economy of the world.
14.
One day I said to Mother,—”Ma, all these days the mantric sounds arise
in me in a continuous stream. In the daytime as well as at dead of night the
flow of the sound -naturally wells out of my heart, like the gushing jets
of a fountain.” When I said it, some slight tinge of personal satisfaction
lurked in the inmost recess of my heart. Mother gazed at me and said nothing.
When I reached home, the sound ceased and in spite of my best efforts, I could
not revive it. The day passed and night wore on, but the joyful stream of mantric
melody could not be restored. Next morning I requested Bhupen to inform
Mother about my sad plight. Bhupen met Mother on the way while She was
proceeding to a devotee’s house in a carriage. She began to laugh. It was 10
A.M. Just at that moment I found that the
choked-up stream began to
flow with its former ease. I came to know from Bhupen afterwards at what time
he had met Mother. In this connection Mother was heard to observe that in
spiritual matters, even the slightest tinge of I-ness retards one’s progress.
15. I
give below another instance of the promptness with which Mother’s benign influence
helps the growth of our inner life. It is a pity that we fail to recognise its
value and do not utilise it for our spiritual up-lift. After the first
enthusiasm is over, we relapse into our former condition.
Once
Mother said with a laugh, “As you chant the divine names or mantras [
special name or mantra with which one is initiated] , your mind
gradually loses its impurity; love and reverence for the Supreme Being awaken
and your thoughts become subtle and refined. Then glimpses of higher planes of
existence begin to dawn upon you and work for your up-lift.”
The
day I heard these words. I sat in a lonely corner of my house for evening
prayers; to my surprise I experienced a new joy at the flow of divine names.
They continued without any pause; sleep came on and as soon as I woke up, those
joyous vibrations again thrilled my being. Next day the same joyful spell went
on in an undertone due to the pressure of office routine; towards dusk, when I
disposed my mind for prayers, the bliss of the previous evening filled my
heart, so that there was no inclination to sleep at all; at dead of night the
flow was so intense, that I thought, I would feel relieved if there were a
pause. But it went on with its own momentum.
I had never practised sitting in a Gomukhi posture.
(Gomukhi---pose of the body consists in laying the legs flat on the ground on either side of the body, with erect backbone, the face looking
straight forward.
Towards the early hours of the morning before dawn I found myself in that posture. During those hours my body and mind were immersed in a sea of inexpressible joy. Tears welled out of my eyes without a stop. In one spell of meditation, I passed the whole time motionless and was completely absorbed.
16. One morning, in those early days of self-surrender, I sat in silence. My heart was full of a deep emotion for mother’s love. kripa---divine grace) A song in Bengali took shape, of which the translation is given below:—
Let Thy worship, Thy hymns of praise
be the eternal solace of my life;
Let my life brim over with the songs
of Thy adoration, thoughts of Thy Divine Grace.
I shall see Thee, Mother, in the
wide open sky with wistful eyes;
I shall not ask for any boon,
say not a word; I shall only lay myself
down
at Thy feet with tears of bliss;
I shall move about in Thy endless expanse of heaven,
scattering songs like flowers representing Thy glory.
I shall steep myself in Thy bliss, chanting Thy holy
names and sending their echoes throughout the Universe.
All my actions,
all my thoughts of religion are
Thy worship.
Oh Mother, give
me Bhakti,(spirit of adoration) firm faith, so that I may make Thy feet
the sheet-anchor of my life.
I
gave this song the title, “The song of a crazy fellow” and sent a printed copy
of it to Mother. Afterwards I heard that when it reached Her, She was cutting
and trimming a gourd for the kitchen with a billhook. While the song was being
recited to Her, the gourd fell from Her hands and She sat motionless for some
time.
When
I met Her afterwards, She said, “The world is the embodiment of Bhava (idea)
or the Idea of the Good. All created things are its material expressions.
If you can once rouse your soul with the divine bhava, you will come to
find that in this universe there runs one play of the bhava; without it
man fumbles about and misses the real import of life.”
A
few days later we were all sitting at the Siddhesvari Ashram, when Mother said,
“Sing that song of yours bearing the title of “Pagler Gaan”[the song of a
crazy fellow] .t I had long given up the practice of singing songs;
besides, there were many people present and I hesitated. Mother laughed,
saying, —”You have only composed a song of a crazy fellow, but are not yet
crazy enough to ignore the criticism of the world.” These words sank deep into
my soul and with a trembling heart and tremulous voice I sang.
I
composed many such songs and offered them at Her feet. She expressed Her
delight over some, and others She passed over with mute approval. There were
many occasions when Mother was away from Dhaka and songs welled out of my heart
during my evening prayers or during long midnight meditations. I could see
Mother’s figure standing before me motionless and listening to my raptures.
When Mother returned to Dhaka after touring different places, She would ask me
to repeat particular songs I had sung on different occasions in my own room. It
was really strange that She could name even those songs that had not in any
form been presented to Her before.
My
intense longing to be by Mother’s side, sometimes wafted me away towards
infinity. During this stage the few songs I composed were published in one
volume under the title, “Towards Thy Holy Feet” [Shree Charane] .In addition to these, there was no end to songs,
poems and short sketches which I wrote on Mother, but tore off later. When
Mother heard about it, She said, “Not only in this life but also in many of
your former births, there is no knowing how many such hymns for me were
composed and destroyed by you. But know this for certain, through all this
scrap heap, this is your last life on this earth’.
Inspired
by Mother’s all-embracing love, an aspiration for the Life Divine was kindled
in me, but my senses sought crude pleasures instead of higher and more refined
and invigorating spiritual food. In some Vaishnava treatise we read,
—”The man who hankers after the material objects of sense for indulgence of the
tongue, stomach and sex, cannot find Lord Krishna.”
Such was the case with me. Mother’s
boundless grace and affection could not hold me fast to Her Feet at all times
of my life and in all my thoughts. It is indeed difficult for a man caught in
the snares of Avidya [The illusion that the body or the mind
are the Self.]
to find an
abiding shelter of peace in the Divine.
One day I said to Mother, —”Even a piece of stone would have changed into gold at such a hallowed touch as yours, but my life has proved a dismal failure.”
She
replied,—”That which takes a long time to come into being, matures into an
enduring beauty after an equally prolonged span of development. Why do you
worry over it so much? Hold fast to my guiding hand like a trustful child.” I
listened to Her chastening words of encouragement with all eagerness, yet I
felt a scorching dryness warping every fibre of my being. I cite below an
instance to show how Her penetrating vision kept watch over my struggles.
When,
under the impulse of a deep devotion I began to seek Her presence every day,
men were not wanting who cast unworthy aspersions on my conduct. Their
reflections made me doubtful and I began to feel that it was but a common human
weakness to approach this man or that, for one’s spiritual uplift.
I
stopped going to Mother, as my mind was wavering under criticism. I decided to
read Yoga Vashishta [
a treatise in Sanskrit on Vedanta)
and improve my higher life through
the culture of the intellect. For seven or eight days I devoted myself to a
close study of the book.
One
afternoon when I was having a rest in my house, my servant informed me that an
old Brahmin (Shri Kalikumar Mukerji of
village Gaodia in Vikrampore , Dhaka) desired an interview with me for five
minutes only. I met him. He told me that he had gone to the house of my friend
Niranjan Roy
and
of Dr. Sasank Mohan Mukherji ( This
gentleman father of Gurupriya Didi, was later known as Swami Akhandananda Giri
Maharaj.]
but could not meet them.
That was why he had come to trouble me. He added, “I have heard that you are a
great devotee of Mother. Will you kindly tell me what Mother is like and what
Her special qualities are?“ At these words I sat speechless, tears rushing to my
eyes. He spoke again,—”I have received an answer to my queries; but do please
tell me why there are tears in your eyes.
“I
have been busy all these days with other matters”, I replied, “leaving off all
thought of Mother, and you have chosen to come to me to make enquiries about
Her. I have to hang down my head in shame and regret. How wonderful are
Mother’s ways! It was through Her own influence that you were led to me just in
time to bring me back to my better self. For this I am indebted to you indeed!“
He
said to me, “Please take me to Mother”. After meeting Her, he said, —”I too
lost my mother long ago, but as soon as I met Mother, my sorrow about my
mother’s death vanished altogether.”
I
narrated to Mother all that had passed in my mind and wept at Her feet. She
began to laugh and said,—”In these days unless one is forced to move along a
certain path, one cannot proceed.”
MANTRIC POWER
As
far as is known to us, Mother has not received initiation from a Guru (a
spiritual guide] according to prevalent
social custom. Not study of any Shastric text or of any religious discourse has
illumined the field of Her knowledge. Many men and women are of the opinion
that She has come down to this world to spread Divine Light and Power for the
regeneration of humanity in this age.
While
yet a girl, various strange phenomena became manifest in Her body. But they
escaped the notice of the common man. Already in the playful activities of Her
early youth there was such an attitude of detachment and unconcern about Her,
that many people came to look upon Her as one retarded in intellect. Even Her
parents had misgivings about Her future. It happened at times that She did not
know where She was, nor could She recollect what She had done or said a few
minutes ago.
The
report goes that in Her childhood She used to talk to trees and plants and
invisible beings in the air as She walked about. She would also communicate
with them by signs and gestures. Some times She would suddenly relapse into a
mood of abstraction, snapping up all talk.
From
the 17th to the 25th year of Her life various supernatural phenomena began to
manifest in Her. At times She would become mute and motionless while chanting
the names of Gods and Goddesses. During Kirtans Her body got stiff and
benumbed. After listening to a divine discourse or after visiting a temple Her
behaviour did not appear to be normal.
At
the age of eighteen, She went to Bajitpur [ a small town in
Mymensingh district, East Bengal] and stayed there for five or six
years. Towards the close of that period, many Mantras spontaneously came from
Her lips and many images of Gods and Goddesses flashed out of Her body. Her
limbs spontaneously formed into various Yogic poses. While these divine
manifestations found expression in Her body, Her speech ceased to function at
Bajitpur for about one year and three months, and when She came to Dhaka She
continued in silence for another year and nine months— thus completing three
whole years. During this period a glow of heavenly bliss and the serenity of
the infinite expanse of heaven showed in Her appearance. It became evident then
that the currents of the outer and inner worlds ceased to affect Her
altogether. She looked like one reposing in the absolute calm of the Self. Her
portrait at that stage is given overleaf.
During
all these extraordinary happenings in Her life, Pitaji [Pitaji
is the name given to Mother’s husband by her devotees] - would
often show great anxiety about their final outcome.
But
in spite of all criticism and speculation, he never stood in Her way in any of
Her actions. Fearing that Her body might be possessed by some evil spirit, the
help of some sadhus and exorcists was sought. It was of no avail; on the other
hand, when these men tried to give Her treatment they were forced to withdraw
in fear and amazement. It was only by praying for Her mercy that they could
recover their balance. During a period of full five months and a half, images
of many Gods and Goddesses manifested through Her body. She had visions of
them. She would worship those deities, after which they faded away completely.
When the worship of one deity was over, another made its appearance. During the
ceremony She would often feel that She Herself was the worshipper, the
worshipped and the act of worshipping; that She was the Mantras, the
oblation and every one of the ingredients.
In
these acts of worship there were no material objects, nor was there any desire
on Her part to perform the ceremonies. As soon as She sat in a lonely place,
all the physical and mental activities involved in acts of worship manifested
themselves by a mysterious process of self-sprung activity. It was ascertained
afterwards from persons well versed in shastric rites and rituals, which
all the various processes of worship as performed by Her, were quite in
accordance with the shastric injunctions. Whenever anyone enquired how
it could be possible for Her to observe those rites so perfectly, Her only
reply was, —”Don’t ask me anything now, you will come to know at the right
time.”
On
the 28th Chaitra [ 1923 AD] Mother arrived at Dhaka and three four
days later she came to Shah-bag [the name of the garden belonging to
the Nawab of Dhaka]. Many devotees began to
assemble there for Her darshan [ paying homage to Mother] .In the year 1925 some devotees requested her to
perform Kali Puja [ worship of the image of Kali, the goddess
of the universe), for they had heard that Her celebration of the puja
was marvelous. She replied,” I know little of the shastric rites and
rituals; it will be better if you secure the help of professional priests.”
Later, at Her husband’s request, she however agreed to perform the puja.
When
mother was worshipped by Her devotees, their joy knew no bounds. But when She
Herself chose to worship a goddess for their illumination, the dignity of such
worship increased a thousand-fold. It was too deep for words. All the devotees
felt an inexpressible joy in their hearts at the beauty and solemnity of the
ceremony.
An
image of Kali was brought. Mother sat on the ground in a meditative posture, in
absolute silence. Then, like one overwhelmed with devotion, she started the
puja, chanting mantras and placing flowers with sandal paste upon Her own head
instead of on the image. All her actions appeared to be like a doll’s
movements, as if some invisible hand were using her body as a pliant tool, fort
the expression of the divine. Occasionally some flowers were strewn on the
image of the Kali. In this manner the puja was performed.
A
he-goat was to be sacrificed. It was bathed in water. When it was brought to
mother, she took it on her lap and wept as She stroked its body gently with Her
hands then she recited some mantras touching every part of the animal’s body
and whispered something into its ear; thereafter She worshipped the weapon with
which the goat was to be sacrificed. She prostrated Herself on the ground, placing them knife upon Her own neck. Three
sounds like the bleating of a goat came from her lips. Afterwards when the
animal was sacrificed, it neither moved not uttered a cry, nor was there any
trace of blood upon the severed head or body. Only with great difficulty one
single drop of blood was last drawn from the animals’ carcass . All that time
Mother’s face glowed with an intense uncommon beauty and throughout the
ceremony there was a spell of great sanctity and deep absorption over all the
people present.
In
1926 all the devotees prayed to Mother to perform the puja once again. She said
nothing. Later when She was being taken to the house of a devotee, she raised
her left hand, smiled and remained silent. When asked by Pitaji [her husband
was often addressed by devotees as Pitaji, which means father] as to the
meaning of the gesture, she did not reply. Again when she sat in that house to
take Her food, the same movement of Her left hand was repeated. After some
days, Mother explained that on the way to the devotee’s house, She had seen
some 120 or 130 yards away, the living goddess Kali, floating in the air
about 9 yards above the ground and stretching her hands towards Mother, as if
desiring to come to Her lap. While taking Her food that day, the same image had
stood before Her like a tiny girl. That was why She had raised Her left hand.
On
the day preceding the Kali puja, when the devotees renewed their prayer
to Mother, She requested Pitaji: “As they are so eager to celebrate the puja,
you may officiate as the priest.” He said to them, “Since your Mother has
asked me to perform the puja, I shall do so. Please make all necessary
preparations.” They enquired about the size of the image, and Pitaji suggested
that it should be as high as was shown by Mother on two occasions, when She had
raised Her hand while sitting.
At
that time Mother was lying on the ground in a motionless, inert condition. A
rough measurement was taken. It was 11 P.M. There was much discussion as how in
the course of one short day an image of the indicated size could be obtained.
With great misgivings, Sri Surendra Lal Banerji went to the city from Shah-bag.
In one shop a statue of the right measurements was found. There were twelve
images in all, of which eleven had been ordered by a customer. The extra one
had been modeled by the artist on his own initiative.
The
image was brought in time. Mother sat down to perform the puja. There
was a divine atmosphere about Her person. After some time, Mother suddenly rose
from Her seat and said to Pitaji, — “I am going to my
place, please perform the puja yourself.’ Saying this She stood by the
side of the image and with a weird laughter, sat down on the ground. The whole
atmosphere of the room was surcharged with a wonderful divine rapture too deep
for words. Mother said, “All of you shut your eyes and chant the name of God.”
The
house was over-full; one man who stood outside, peeped into the room,
unobserved. Yet Mother called him by his name and commanded him to shut his
eyes. All present had their eyes closed; nobody knew at the time what had
happened. But when everyone opened their eyes it was found that a pleader, Sri
Brindaban Chandra Basak by name, lay on the ground unconscious. He stated
afterwards, “When I peeped into the room I noticed a very intense glow of light
radiating from Mother’s face. It was so powerful that I fell down, unconscious.
I do not know what happened afterwards.”
The night wore out as the puja
drew to a close. There was no provision for a sacrifice. When the time for
the last ahuti [offerings to sacrificial fire.]
arrived, Mother said, “It must not be offered, let the sacrificial fire be preserved.” That fire has been kept burning to this day.
I. It was later brought from Dhaka to
Vindhyachal and Varanasi, where it is still being carefully preserved in a
special little temple at the Ashram. The same fire was used for the great Savitri
Maha Yajna performed there from 1947-1950, about which a book has appeared in
Bengali and Hindi called “Akhanda Mahayajna.”
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Ma in
divine ecstasy during Kirtan |
The next day, the immersion of the image was to take place. Niranjan’s wife arrived with all the articles necessary for the ceremony. When she looked at the image, she said to Mother with